| TrulyAwake! ...a place for conscious lifestyles |
So maybe you’ve been watching Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth web event on Oprah’s website
and wondering, “How come I’m still getting angry at people? I understand most of the
concepts and agree with them. I thought this would make everything better.” Well, it’s a good
start, but our delusions don’t just go away overnight. The imprints took a long time to
develop, and they’ll probably take a long time to eliminate. But that’s no reason to give up. To
the contrary, that just gives you more reason to keep trying. Change generally only happens
when you apply effort. Like Eckhart was saying, at first you might notice that you’ve just
created an unpleasant experience with someone long after it’s over. It might be later that day,
or even days later, when you’re reviewing it in your mind or discussing it with a friend. And the
next time you might recognize it immediately afterwards, and the time after that while it’s in
progress, but not yet know how to stop it. Eventually you’ll notice it as the feelings are just
beginning to arise, and you can consciously bring a new awareness into the interaction and
create a completely different event. Each one of these steps is an important stage in the
growth process, gradually increasing your skill, first at detecting the behavior, and then at
changing it.
Last night I was speaking with my friend in The Bay Area about politics and climate changes.
Even though we both want the same outcome, I felt my self getting a little agitated. It doesn’t
necessarily take a huge ideological rift to trigger your ego, and its need to be right. I noticed
the changes in my body. My speech was fast and hard, hammering at her. My back and neck
were tense, and my heart was beating a little faster than normal. I suddenly became aware
of my attachment to convincing her to see things my way, afraid that she was becoming
depressed about world events. I recognized my fear and how it was affecting my entire
demeanor, and decided to stop trying to fix her. I took a deep breath and allowed myself to
relax and accept what she was going through. The moment I did that she told me that she
really just wanted my opinion, and wasn’t giving up on the planet and her life. It was my fear
that produced a need for things to be different than they actually were. This caused me to
become irritated. As soon as I decided to accept her as she is and let go of my attachment to
changing her, the entire situation shifted and became much gentler. We carried on a
fabulous conversation for many hours, until early the next morning.
The other Monday night I was with my New Earth study group partners after the Oprah Winfrey
/ Eckhart Tolle web event ended, and we were discussing the lessons and their applications
to our lives. One member of the group – I’ll call her Jenny – started talking about a hat she
once had… and would like to have again. Jenny had lent a safari hat to her neighbor, whom
we’ll call Estelle, for an excursion to Africa. It was the perfect hat. It can fold up small enough
to put into your pocket, and has every single feature that you never even knew you might want
in a safari hat. This was the hat to end all safari hats. Well, her neighbor’s vacation came
and went, and the hat was not materializing, so she asked, “How did the hat work out for
you?” “Oh, fine, it was great,” the neighbor informed her. “Oh, good! I’ll take it back now, if
you’re through with it.” “I just need to wash it first,” was the neighbor’s reply. Over several
weeks, after multiple inquiries into the whereabouts and condition of the hat, coupled with
unsuccessful requests for its return, Jenny became so upset with this neighbor that it kept
her up nights thinking about it. “What kind of person would do such a thing??? If I borrowed
a hat from someone I would give it back as soon as I was through with it. She obviously
doesn’t care about me. She’s not a real friend.”
Eckhart – if I may call him that – spoke of an archer who was bound to miss his mark
because he had such a strong need to succeed, instead of being completely tuned in to the
bow, the arrow, and the target. He had some other goal in mind that was distracting his
attention from the present moment, and this was depleting his focus and skill. A Zen
Buddhist monk observing him noted, “His need to win drains him of power.” It’s not too far of
a stretch to say that Jenny’s strong need to retrieve her hat is diminishing her chances of
getting it. She now has a negative mind when she thinks about her neighbor, and that has to
show up in any interaction between them. Our true feelings are not usually hard to detect,
even if only on very subtle levels. We’ve all noticed undercurrents in people’s attitudes, even
when they appear to be treating us pleasantly. There will be some underlying discomfort,
and this shapes the entire nature of our interactions with them. When we make assumptions
(which might not even be true) about the meanings behind another person’s actions, this can
affect how we feel about them – especially if we have some expectation about how they
should or shouldn’t behave. This creates negativity in our minds when we think about or
encounter that person. The moment Jenny stops judging her neighbor, the dynamics will
shift. This doesn’t mean that she’ll get her hat back, but it’s not really about the hat, anyway.
It’s about believing that this person doesn’t care about her. Instead of focusing on herself
getting what she wants, she can shift her attention away from the ego (self), and towards the
other person in a more positive way.
Jenny’s neighbor is undoubtedly suffering. Maybe she feels the need to steal a hat. If so, this
would come from some form of negative belief. Or if she lost or damaged the hat, she could
be feeling guilty. If she simply operates on a different schedule and believes that there is no
need for such a hat at this time of the year in our geographic location, then she may feel that
Jenny is being petty by hounding her over something she doesn’t even need right now. She
might even feel that Jenny is the one who is not being a true friend because of this
mistreatment. It can’t feel any better for Estelle than it does for Jenny, to feel that her neighbor
doesn’t care about her. There are any number of possible ways that Estelle may be
suffering. She definitely needs compassion.
But how do you develop compassion for someone whom you feel is mistreating you? How
do you get over your self enough to do this? Again, it requires effort. Sometimes you can just
decide to do it. Every time you see the person, remember to care about them. It can be as
simple as that. But if it’s not, meditate on it. Morning, noon, and night. Get into a comfortable
position, keeping your back straight, relax, close your eyes and focus on the breath at the tip
of your nose. After a couple of minutes, shift your attention towards generating compassion
for the difficult person in your life. Remember that their suffering makes them a suitable
object of your compassion. Let yourself feel it. Really care about them. Maintain this for a
few minutes. When you notice your mind becoming distracted, allow the thoughts to gently
fade away, and bring your attention back to the meditation. If you practice this several times
each day, the circumstances in your life won’t need to change at all in order for you to feel
better. But those circumstances probably will change, because people will notice the
difference in your attitude. As Esther Hicks and Abraham say, you’ll be more in alignment
with what you want to have. When you give other people something different to react to, they
have little choice but to react differently. Try it. Just try it. Your life will certainly improve.
Guaranteed!
Author Alan Powitz has been a therapist in the New York area, using elements of The Option
Process, dharma, meditation, and hypnotherapy to help clients through many of life’s
difficulties. Resources are available on this website to help others learn a wide variety of
useful methods to free themselves from emotional suffering and live more joyfully.
Copyright 2008
and wondering, “How come I’m still getting angry at people? I understand most of the
concepts and agree with them. I thought this would make everything better.” Well, it’s a good
start, but our delusions don’t just go away overnight. The imprints took a long time to
develop, and they’ll probably take a long time to eliminate. But that’s no reason to give up. To
the contrary, that just gives you more reason to keep trying. Change generally only happens
when you apply effort. Like Eckhart was saying, at first you might notice that you’ve just
created an unpleasant experience with someone long after it’s over. It might be later that day,
or even days later, when you’re reviewing it in your mind or discussing it with a friend. And the
next time you might recognize it immediately afterwards, and the time after that while it’s in
progress, but not yet know how to stop it. Eventually you’ll notice it as the feelings are just
beginning to arise, and you can consciously bring a new awareness into the interaction and
create a completely different event. Each one of these steps is an important stage in the
growth process, gradually increasing your skill, first at detecting the behavior, and then at
changing it.
Last night I was speaking with my friend in The Bay Area about politics and climate changes.
Even though we both want the same outcome, I felt my self getting a little agitated. It doesn’t
necessarily take a huge ideological rift to trigger your ego, and its need to be right. I noticed
the changes in my body. My speech was fast and hard, hammering at her. My back and neck
were tense, and my heart was beating a little faster than normal. I suddenly became aware
of my attachment to convincing her to see things my way, afraid that she was becoming
depressed about world events. I recognized my fear and how it was affecting my entire
demeanor, and decided to stop trying to fix her. I took a deep breath and allowed myself to
relax and accept what she was going through. The moment I did that she told me that she
really just wanted my opinion, and wasn’t giving up on the planet and her life. It was my fear
that produced a need for things to be different than they actually were. This caused me to
become irritated. As soon as I decided to accept her as she is and let go of my attachment to
changing her, the entire situation shifted and became much gentler. We carried on a
fabulous conversation for many hours, until early the next morning.
The other Monday night I was with my New Earth study group partners after the Oprah Winfrey
/ Eckhart Tolle web event ended, and we were discussing the lessons and their applications
to our lives. One member of the group – I’ll call her Jenny – started talking about a hat she
once had… and would like to have again. Jenny had lent a safari hat to her neighbor, whom
we’ll call Estelle, for an excursion to Africa. It was the perfect hat. It can fold up small enough
to put into your pocket, and has every single feature that you never even knew you might want
in a safari hat. This was the hat to end all safari hats. Well, her neighbor’s vacation came
and went, and the hat was not materializing, so she asked, “How did the hat work out for
you?” “Oh, fine, it was great,” the neighbor informed her. “Oh, good! I’ll take it back now, if
you’re through with it.” “I just need to wash it first,” was the neighbor’s reply. Over several
weeks, after multiple inquiries into the whereabouts and condition of the hat, coupled with
unsuccessful requests for its return, Jenny became so upset with this neighbor that it kept
her up nights thinking about it. “What kind of person would do such a thing??? If I borrowed
a hat from someone I would give it back as soon as I was through with it. She obviously
doesn’t care about me. She’s not a real friend.”
Eckhart – if I may call him that – spoke of an archer who was bound to miss his mark
because he had such a strong need to succeed, instead of being completely tuned in to the
bow, the arrow, and the target. He had some other goal in mind that was distracting his
attention from the present moment, and this was depleting his focus and skill. A Zen
Buddhist monk observing him noted, “His need to win drains him of power.” It’s not too far of
a stretch to say that Jenny’s strong need to retrieve her hat is diminishing her chances of
getting it. She now has a negative mind when she thinks about her neighbor, and that has to
show up in any interaction between them. Our true feelings are not usually hard to detect,
even if only on very subtle levels. We’ve all noticed undercurrents in people’s attitudes, even
when they appear to be treating us pleasantly. There will be some underlying discomfort,
and this shapes the entire nature of our interactions with them. When we make assumptions
(which might not even be true) about the meanings behind another person’s actions, this can
affect how we feel about them – especially if we have some expectation about how they
should or shouldn’t behave. This creates negativity in our minds when we think about or
encounter that person. The moment Jenny stops judging her neighbor, the dynamics will
shift. This doesn’t mean that she’ll get her hat back, but it’s not really about the hat, anyway.
It’s about believing that this person doesn’t care about her. Instead of focusing on herself
getting what she wants, she can shift her attention away from the ego (self), and towards the
other person in a more positive way.
Jenny’s neighbor is undoubtedly suffering. Maybe she feels the need to steal a hat. If so, this
would come from some form of negative belief. Or if she lost or damaged the hat, she could
be feeling guilty. If she simply operates on a different schedule and believes that there is no
need for such a hat at this time of the year in our geographic location, then she may feel that
Jenny is being petty by hounding her over something she doesn’t even need right now. She
might even feel that Jenny is the one who is not being a true friend because of this
mistreatment. It can’t feel any better for Estelle than it does for Jenny, to feel that her neighbor
doesn’t care about her. There are any number of possible ways that Estelle may be
suffering. She definitely needs compassion.
But how do you develop compassion for someone whom you feel is mistreating you? How
do you get over your self enough to do this? Again, it requires effort. Sometimes you can just
decide to do it. Every time you see the person, remember to care about them. It can be as
simple as that. But if it’s not, meditate on it. Morning, noon, and night. Get into a comfortable
position, keeping your back straight, relax, close your eyes and focus on the breath at the tip
of your nose. After a couple of minutes, shift your attention towards generating compassion
for the difficult person in your life. Remember that their suffering makes them a suitable
object of your compassion. Let yourself feel it. Really care about them. Maintain this for a
few minutes. When you notice your mind becoming distracted, allow the thoughts to gently
fade away, and bring your attention back to the meditation. If you practice this several times
each day, the circumstances in your life won’t need to change at all in order for you to feel
better. But those circumstances probably will change, because people will notice the
difference in your attitude. As Esther Hicks and Abraham say, you’ll be more in alignment
with what you want to have. When you give other people something different to react to, they
have little choice but to react differently. Try it. Just try it. Your life will certainly improve.
Guaranteed!
Author Alan Powitz has been a therapist in the New York area, using elements of The Option
Process, dharma, meditation, and hypnotherapy to help clients through many of life’s
difficulties. Resources are available on this website to help others learn a wide variety of
useful methods to free themselves from emotional suffering and live more joyfully.
Copyright 2008
The Hat
 | |  |
| New Age Philosophy |
Spring, 2008